When thinking about today’s blog topic, I am quickly reminded of a joke that I once heard:
There once was a guy that was going crazy. He walked into a psychiatrist’s office yelling. He said, “Doctor, Doctor. You’ve got to help me. My wife is historical…”
Assuming that he had gotten his words mixed up, the Doctor replied, “You mean hysterical.”
“NO,” the guy yelled. “I mean historical. She keeps bringing up the past.”
I often enjoy telling this story because it easily reflects the sentiments that many of us have while involved in our many personal relationships. Again, thanks to many of my readers, I have been encouraged to address the topic of mates that can’t seem to let go of the past.
I think all of us can agree that throughout the course of a relationship, there will be things to take place that will not be to our liking. There will be disagreements, some hurt feelings, and a series of possible disappointments. However, in the midst of the conflict, we are still expected to press forward for the sake of the relationship. A common problem is not understanding that there will be conflict, but how to move past such conflict.
I have been in several relationships in which days, or sometimes, months after a conflict is said to be resolved–and after I was informed of my forgiveness–the issue comes up in another conversation. And what’s even more interesting is that sometimes, the previous issue has absolutely nothing to do with the current issue. And as I sit dumbfounded, getting chastised for a mistake that I unintentionally made months ago, I wonder what happened to that forgiveness that I had been granted during the occurrence of such incident. And clearly seeing the confusion on my face, my mate responds with the universal answer to any inquiry of her forgiveness by saying, “I can forgive, but I don’t have to forget.”
I hate to burst anyone’s bubble. But if you believe this,or if this has become your forgiveness motto, I have one piece of advice for you: STAY OFF THE DRUGS!
Don’t get me wrong. Throughout my life, I have also been guilty of violating the ideals of forgiveness. However, what I have also learned is that once you have decided to grant a person your forgiveness, it is to never be brought up again. The definition of forgive is to cease to feel resentment against, or to give up all claim on account. This means that once you forgive someone, LET IT GO!
What bothers me more than anything is how people desire and expect to have a progressive relationship, but can’t seem to let go of something that your mate did in the beginning of the relationship. In this case, the initimacy of your relationship has only gone as far as it was when the initial disappointment took place. However, instead of completely forgiving others, we give ourselves reasons to justify our resentment:
“S/He doesn’t know how bad s/he hurt me…”
“If I forgive him/her, they will think that they can keep doing the same thing…”
“I don’t want to put myself in the position to be hurt anymore…”
At this point, you have just prevented yourself from having any successful relationship. Yes, I truly understand that forgiveness is a process. However, the first step to forgiveness is deciding that you are truly going to forgive. Many of us, expect to be forgiven but are unable to grant forgiveness to others. And after the relationship ceases to exist, you then take that same unforgiveness into your next relationship.
Do yourself a favor. LET IT GO!
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P.S.
As the title suggests, this is only the first part of a series on forgiveness. With this topic, I hope to generate quite a bit of discussion. Let me know your thoughts.