Hello all. While I intended to publish a post yesterday, I decided to take a day of rest, in honor of myself. For those of you that don’t know, yesterday was my birthday. And in the words of one of my avid supporters, readers, and now, friend, I felt that I needed to “…take a day off for me.” Feliz cumpleanos a mi! And with that in mind, I spent a relaxing day, celebrating my 6th anniversary of my 25th birthday. And for those that claim that math is not your forte, that means I am 31. And while I do intend to continue this celebration for the remainder of the week, I must resume my daily writing activities. Now, let’s begin; or should I say, let’s continue…
Almost a year ago, as I graced the halls of one of Houston’s local colleges, I bumped into a young woman that would later give me several indirect lessons about relationships. While her age certainly was not demonstrated by the facade of her petite, 5′ 1″ frame, she enjoyed a unique beauty that often extorted various curiosities of her male colleagues. She was quiet. Cute. And her youthful appearance, seemed to possess an innocence that was often challenged, but rarely conquered. From a distance, she appeared to be an attractive woman. However, as I bumped into her, I fell witness to a painful scowl that seemed to become a permanent fixture on the face of someone that seemed to be riddled with disappointment. And as I did every other time that I had seen her, I spoke.
“Hi. How are you?” I asked in my usual inviting tone.
“Hey. What’s up?” she replied as she rolled her eyes.
Unfortunately, the predictability of our encounters became discouraging as our paths often crossed over the past three weeks. Every single time our paths crossed, she would merely reply to me in her usual drab tone with a dismissing, “Hey. What’s up,” as she proceeded to roll her eyes. While I wasn’t completely sure of her apparent disgust with me, I was now beginning to feel that the scowl that she often displayed was directed solely towards me. Uncomfortable by her rudeness, I began to press forward.
“I’m sorry Sweetie; but you’re too cute to always walk around here frowning,” I said trying to break the ice.
Still in her dreary tone, she replied with a patronizing “Thank you,” and continued walking.
“Excuse me. Did I do anything to you?” I asked, not sure if she knew me from a previous occasion. Besides, I wasn’t always a good guy. This could have been the younger sister of someone that I may have hurt in the past, I thought.
“You just remind me of someone. And I don’t like him. He was full of @*#%. And you remind me so much of him, I don’t like you,” she said.
“Well, am I him?” I asked.
“No,” she replied.
“Well, do you think it’s fair for you to judge me based on a bad experience that you had with someone else?” I inquired.
“Whatever,” she answered as she walked off.
While I had no intentions of trying to forge a romantic relationship with this young woman, that day, she taught me a lesson about the value of relationships and forgiveness. She didn’t know me. I didn’t know her. However, because she was unable to release the emotional disappointment that someone else had caused her, she was willing to forfeit a potential positive professional relationship that could yield her much benefit. My mother often told me, “The faults that we see in others are often those of our own.” And that day, as I reflected upon the actions of my newfound enemy, I began to understand that what she had done to me, I had also done to others. That day, I, too, walked away with the realization that at that time I was bringing old baggage into new relationships.
Over the years, I have had the pleasure to engage in many personal, romantic, and professional relationships. However, as I would leave one and move into the next, I would take with me several lessons learned from those experiences. Establish a friendship. Have open lines of communication. Trust is important. Set realistic expectations. While these lessons are important for the survival and success of any relationship, it’s the other feelings or actions that I sometimes demonstrated that often destroyed the growth of any new relationships that I tried to establish. For example, it was very difficult for me to trust and be open in my new relationships because of the pain that I had experienced in the past. Therefore, I never allowed others to get to know me. I often blocked their attemtps to grow closer to me by establishing barriers and walls of distrust. Some of you have gone as far as beginning to engage in your own personal spy activities, as you search through the mail, cell phone records, and text messages of your current mates. Where we once trusted until given a reason not to, now we live by the Everyone Must EARN My Trust Creed. While we often want to establish relationships with open lines of communication and realistic expectations, the disappointments of the past often cause us not to live by the parameters that we often attempt to set.
Yes, on this day, this young woman showed me that I, too, have been recently guilty of bringing old baggage into new relationships. And as I began to explore this issue a little further, I came to the realization that this old baggage was plaguing my new relationships because I had not yet forgiven those individuals that I felt had caused me such pain. Yes, it is important to learn from your experiences. However, we can’t harbor such resentment to the point that it prevents us from engaging in future meaningful relationships.
Later that year, that same young woman had the opportunity of sitting in the audience at one of my speaking engagements. As she sat, listening to my every word, she too came to the realization that I was not the person that she harbored such resentment towards. She then realized that to use her experiences with him against me was merely an excuse to disguise her fear of being disappointed again. I am not here to say that disappointment doesn’t or isn’t going to come. However, I think it is vitally important for us to discover skills that are helpful in dealing with and displacing such disappointment. Along with you, I am also on a quest to leave my old baggage in my old relationships. Since then, me and that young woman have become great friends.
Thank you.
CLK.com
P.S. – Tomorrow, I will finish off the series on Forgiveness by discussing some Keys to Forgiveness. Let me hear your thoughts.