Good morning. In my last posting, I wrote on a topic called Relationship Sabotage. Seeing the vast amount of positive responses on such a topic, I have decided to begin a complete series on the topic of Relationship Destruction. While I have gotten an overwhelming amount of request to touch on this topic over the past few months, I have been somewhat hesitant in doing so. So, as I walk into the series of Relationship Destruction, I encourage you to send me your thoughts and comments—only if they are positive. I don’t want to hear any negative comments. I’m just kidding. Let me know your thoughts. In the meantime, I hope you enjoy today’s blog.
Last week, I wrote about the topic of Relationship Sabotage. Relationship sabotage, which is caused by our fears to undergo previous negative relational experiences, has been described as one’s overall prevention of the establishment and growth of positive relationships. While it is a major contributor to the destruction of many of our personal relationships, there is another event that often takes place within relationships that can be just as, or in some cases, even more dangerous than the first. It is what I call relationship espionage.
When thinking of the word ‘espionage’, I am easily reminded of the exciting spy movie character, James Bond. In these movies, James Bond would often infiltrate an organization, only to discover all of its secrets and weaknesses. After discovering the organizations’ vulnerabilities, Mr. Bond would soon use the information that he obtained to destroy the organization and bring it to its knees. The very weaknesses that Mr. Bond discovered were used as weapons to implode the organization from the inside out. I use this as an example because this behavior is similar to what many of us exhibit within our own personal relationships. As a matter of fact, over the years, I have witnessed two primary demonstrations of relationship espionage.
Scenario One
As the two of you begin to embark upon what could easily become a fruitful relationship, the both of you begin to open up in ways that you have never experienced before. He begins to tell you of his secrets, his fears, and his innermost desires; and you do the same. He tells you of his past successes, failures, and dysfunctional familial relationships. And as the two of you continue to grow closer, you gain an understanding of his most traumatic experiences as he begins to communicate his greatest fear of resembling his abusive, nonexistent father. Your relationship is growing as the two of you continue to grow closer and develop a great respect for one another.
However, after several years of dating, or perhaps marriage, the two of you begin to fall into the crutches complacency as your relationship fails to provide you with the excitement that it had in the beginning. Intimacy has dissipated, communication has almost come to a halt, and the fulfillment that you desire is nearly nonexistent as arguments and disagreements increase. All of a sudden, in the midst of one of these heated discussions, you hit him with an unbelievable blow. In your anger, you lash out with a vengeance. “You will never be a real man. You are just like your no-good Daddy,” you say as you suddenly destroy the very person that you had gotten close to in the previous years.
Scenario Two
After years of being in an up and down relationship, the two of you have become numb to any desires of intimacy or communication. Your relationship is now overshadowed by frequent arguments and personal thoughts of abandoning the person that you once pledged your love to. However, for some reason there is a strong factor that keeps you in a relationship that offers you nothing but constant misery and frustration. You may stay because of the kids, pride, or perhaps of your fear of ‘starting over and being alone’. But for whatever reason, this relationship seems to have a hold on you that you can’t seem to escape. “Forever is a long time to be miserable,” you often say as you privately express your desires to escape the shackles of the relationship. However, your heart won’t allow you to turn your back on the person that you once vowed to stand next to during the tough times. You can’t leave. You won’t leave. However, if they leave, that’s a different story.
In your pursuit to discretely depart from your relationship, you begin to engage in activities that, in your mind, are sure to force your partner out of the door. For example, you may become verbally, mentally, or physically abusive. You may begin to no longer focus on the needs of the family or the relationship as you spend more time away from the relationship that seems to cause you so much pain. Or, in some cases, you may begin to engage in extramarital affairs or relationships outside of your primary relationship as you engage in acts that are so destructive to the relationship that not only do they force your partner to leave the relationship, but it destroys them in the process.
While the two of these scenarios may differ slightly, they are clear and real examples in which we may engage in acts of relationship espionage. These acts, which seem to implode the relationship, often occur with such force that they also unintentionally destroy the very people that they are aimed at. These acts are designed to destroy the very fabric that the relationship was initially built upon—trust. In the first scenario, the trust is compromised as one person begins to use confidential information, shared by the other, as a weapon. At this point, its victim may no longer trust his partner with such information again, only to cease the open communication that helped build the relationship to begin with. In scenario two, trust is compromised as one individual uses acts of destruction to force the other individual to deal with a relationship that they no longer have a desire to be in. As they desire to be removed from the relationship, they begin to engage in behaviors that the other person may consider as the non-negotiables of the relationship, only to destroy the trust that the relationship was founded on.
Throughout my years, I have been the victim and the initiator of such acts. I have also found, through many discussions with some of you that many others also engage in such acts as the destruction of many of our relationships can be attributed to our own behavior. Take care of your relationships. This behavior is destructive on all accounts. True does not have any room for relationship espionage. Let me know your thoughts.
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